"I care ... what I am to myself."

Tho' damaged goods in many ways, the most literal is that I'm brain-damaged. So you may have heard, even if not entirely understood, given that I am still fairly smart & rather capable. Alas, I used to be smarter & much more capable. Of course, smarts in this scenario consist largely of knowledge. Moreover, access to it. Thankfully, intelligence reaches beyond information.

As for capable, I cannot do - much less follow - nearly as much as I once did (w/out even a second thought). Ironically, thought is now equally difficult and necessary as I repeatedly sort out how things are done. The simplest things can give me the most difficulty at any time. My pseudo-functionality ranges from teaching myself daily tasks again & again to figuring out how shoelaces are tied when it's been a while since I wore my boots.

Amidst the ongoing struggle just to function, the lack of memories is hardest. Context is key to accessing familiar info but, the further an event or fact gets, the less context it has. It's troublesome enough finding ways to compile the day to day data yet significantly easier than trying to remember anything already past. Most elusive are personal memories as, beyond the lack of a framework, there are so few sources for clues.


However, from what little I *can* remember, what I knew of myself before the drain bamage was surprisingly spare. Therefore, you would think the inability to remember things about me, even the innocuous facts that seem to comprise me, would be something I should utterly understand. Yet, perhaps precisely due to having so little access to who I am on my own, I am unduly disappointed when something of me is lost by one of the few in a position to know -- much less care.

One thing I've learned is that the stronger the emotion, the stronger the memory. While this fortunately means that such days as my wedding day are not completely lost to me, nor are the days that were anything but happy. Thankfully, I've always believed in living each day to its fullest & living totally in the present is always the preference but no longer really a choice. Along the way, regaining self-sufficiency has been my ultimate goal if not truly my choice either. Under the category Blessing in Disguise, I've learned to accept the help I constantly require, even if a few hopes are missed in the mix.

(_)> "It's a poor sort of memory that only works backward." - the Queen in 'Through the Looking Glass' by Lewis Carroll